As a school counselor, I have a front-row seat to the inner lives of children. My door is a revolving door, where children come to work through everything from playground conflicts to the unspoken, heavy weight of worry. And in the quiet room of my office, I’ve discovered a fundamental truth: before we can talk about the feeling, we must calm the body.
Parents ask me all the time what “magic” I perform to take a child from tears to speech. The truth is, it’s easier than you can imagine. It’s not magic; it’s about regulation. It’s about providing a nervous system with a safe place to touch down.
I’ve tried many tools and methods along the way, but I always return to two sweetly simple objects that are pure magic. These are the tools I use not only to calm, but to connect.
The Tool for Connection: Calming Sand
Picture a child entering your room as you are, shoulders hunched and head down. They are filled with what we refer to as “big feelings” — anger, frustration, sadness — and words are the last thing they can find. To ask “What’s wrong?” at this moment is to ask an overflowing river to define it.
In response to words, I point to a bowl on my table. There is kinetic sand.
When their hands go into the cold, yielding ground, something subtly changes. The shoulders let go. Breathing unclenches. The sand offers a grounding stimulus that sighs, “You are safe. You are here.” It diverts their attention away from the storm within and to an outside action which can be managed.
But it’s here the magic happens: kinetic sand is a wonderful barrier-breaker. I have no idea how many times a child, totally silent to start with, starts talking as their hands are occupied squishing, molding, and sorting. The process of play provides them with an illusion of control over their world and relegates speech to a more relaxed plane. The talk happens within the play, feeling less question-and-answer and more experiential.
The Covert Regulation Tool: The Silent Fidget
The bedroom or office relaxation room is one thing, but big emotion and sensory needs do not have a convenient schedule. They appear in the middle of a math class, in a crowded shopping mall, or on a long automobile trip. For most kids, particularly those with sensory needs, the world’s constant noise can dysregulate them. They require a mechanism for managing that input in order to be focused and regulated.
This is where the fidget toy saves the day, but not any fidget toy. Trendy ones are wonderful, but distracting to others. The best tool is likely the one that is least obtrusive.
Silent fidget toy is a life-saver for regulation on the move. It’s something they can hold in the palm of their hand, conceal under a desk, or cram into a pocket without any other person being aware. It gives them a quiet, physical outlet for anxious energy, enabling their mind to release distraction and concentrate on the job at hand. It is not a toy in any conventional manner; it is a tool to help them manage their body and life.
In the end, it’s not about eliminating their big feelings, but helping them get through them. By addressing their sensory needs first, we give them the safety and sense of connection they require to process their feelings and, in the end, find their words.
Counselor-Approved Tools I Recommend
Here are two of the products I’ve consistently found to be effective in my own practice for helping children regulate their emotions and sensory needs.
- Kinetic Sand
The special texture of this sand is ideal for releasing nervous energy. It won’t dry out, and it’s actually a joy to work with, so it’s a great self-calming aid and a great tool to use when facilitating quiet discussion. I have a set like this in my office at all times.
2. A Discreet Fidget Toy
This is a great, subtle device for regulating while on the move. It fits into a pocket and offers a discreet sensory release that might be used by a child to help them concentrate at school, in the car, or wherever they’re feeling overwhelmed.
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